Are you really sorry?
I was with someone the other day and noticed how often she apologized. She constantly apologized for being scattered. In the past few years, she has been through major surgery and the illness and death of her life partner. No apology is needed.
Last night I received a video in my inbox. It was a 4-minute video created by a talented photographer. He spent two weeks at the cottage filming and taking photos. He then went through all that footage, edited it together, and sent it to the 'cottagers.' His email opened with an apology for taking so long to get it done. We aren't paying for this video. It is something he started doing to capture the memories of our time together. No apology is needed.
It got me thinking about how often we feel sorry for something unnecessarily. Here are some of the things we don’t need to apologize for:
not responding to a text or email immediately
not knowing something (especially technology)
being in the way/taking up space
the way we look/what we are wearing
the way our home looks
the gift we are giving (it's just a little something)
I am Canadian, and we consider ourselves friendly and polite. We joke about how often we say sorry. If we are hiking and someone comes along the trail, we apologize as we move out of the way. It is impossible to navigate a grocery store without apologizing or being apologized for multiple times.
Every time we say we are sorry, we are saying that we have done something wrong. There is a time to apologize and admit a mistake. The problem becomes when it becomes a default. It might not seem like a big deal, but the truth is that constantly apologizing can negatively impact our lives. We begin to feel like we always need to do better. Here are three ways I think this need to say I'm sorry impacts us constantly:
1. We begin to internalize beliefs about an ideal we must achieve. When I apologize, I draw attention to something I feel is wrong about me or my behaviour. I apologize for how I look when someone unexpectedly shows up at my door. "Sorry I'm such a mess; I was cleaning the house." Why do I feel a need to apologize? I could say, "I'm so happy you felt like you could just drop by because you were in the neighbourhood."
2. We are communicating to the people around us that something is wrong with our behaviour or who we are. It's one thing to be working through my own internalized standards about what a woman should be like in a patriarchal culture but pointing my failures out to others is something I want to stop doing. Maybe you didn't think I was a mess or my house was a mess, but now I've put that thought out there for your scrutiny. I'm helping enforce those values in your mind as well.
3. Superficial apologies can keep us from dealing with something we need to face in our lives. When we apologize habitually for all perceived failings, we don't take them seriously. It becomes something we do. I wonder if we start thinking about what we want to change in response to an apology if that would be beneficial? Instead of apologizing for not getting back to someone immediately, consider whether or not we are sorry. If there is something we are genuinely sorry about, what do we want to change?
The truth is, the constant apologizing for who we are, how we live, what we wear, and the choices we make can diminish how we see ourselves. It can be a way of making ourselves small. It can reinforce a cultural narrative that wants to keep us from seeing that we are okay.
I'm working on becoming aware of how often I apologize. I want to stop and explore why I am saying "Sorry." I've apologized in this newsletter when I missed a few weeks. I've recently apologized for calling to inquire about something late being delivered. ("Sorry to bother you.”)
If someone doesn't ask me to respond right away to a text or an email, I don't need to apologize when I do. I don't need to apologize if I don't know how to do something. I can't know everything.
In the next few weeks, pay attention to how often you apologize. Explore what is behind the need to say, "I'm sorry." Try not to apologize for any gifts you give this season. “Sorry, it’s nothing much.” It’s a gift you gave. It’s the thought that counts!
Get curious about what happens when you stop all the superficial apologies. Who knows, maybe you'll relax and have more fun over the holidays.