The Woman They Wanted

The wind was knocked out of my metaphorical sails on a night that was meant to bring healing. My husband and I were asked to meet with a mediator and the church board that had just fired him (constructive dismissal was the official term.) There wasn’t much healing. We left feeling like the damages increased after three hours of shaming and blaming. I don’t think the other side felt any better.

The sails completely deflated as I was leaving, a quick comment spoken into my ear by a church elder embracing me. He said, “I love you, but I don’t get you.”

Damn right, he didn’t get me. I’m not convinced he loved me either.

My husband and I had been in pastoral ministry for about 25 years at that point. It had never been easy but the last five years leading up to this fateful night had been exhausting. I’ll spare you the details but those of you privy to church politics know how ugly it can get.

I’ve heard similar stories now that I’m on the outside. One worth reading is The Woman They Wanted: Shattering the Illusion of the Good Christian Wife by Shannon Harris. If you’ve been part of the evangelical world you’ll want to read it. If you haven’t been, I think you’ll benefit from a few of the lessons anyway. Fundamentalism and patriarchy are systems most of us have had to contend with all our lives.

Here are my key take aways from the book:

1. Learn to trust your own knowing. I have read many books on cults and religious systems. One of the things that happens over time is we lose confidence in our own discernment and wisdom. We are taught not to trust ourselves.

As Shannon writes, “You weren’t supposed to trust your heart here, you were supposed to distrust it. That went for everyone, but especially for women and children. Here, God, leaders, authorities were for trusting. Just thinking about it I can almost feel my independence and autonomy being pulled out from under me as the responsiblity for my life shifted to others. Everyone had someone above them telling them what to do or what God wanted.”

2. Speak your truth. If you have been following me for any length of time you know that I strive to be truthful and encourage others to be honest as well. It takes a lot of commitment to live truthfully. We go along with things because we think in the end it will be worth it.

Harris addresses the dilemma, “We imagine what we are getting for our compromise is far better than it really is. And we underestimate the cost to ourselves.

When we don’t speak on our own behalf it is like inviting the world to relate to a false version of ourselves. If you pretend something doesn’t matter when actually it does you’re essentially lying to yourself and whomever you are relating to. Then people get used to this version of you who is lying and they come to expect this false you. Even you get used to this false you. And in this way you get stuck in it, just like getting caught in a lie. You cannot lie to the world and expect to get truth back.” (emphasis added)

3. Learn to live with the discomfort of disappointing people. I get it. I like to be liked too. I have learned the hard way that as uncomfortable as conflict and confrontation feel for me, it is the way to live authentically and in alignment with what I need in my life. (Side note: I do offer coaching for people-pleasers if you need to work through some boundary setting.)

Harris writes about an authority figure in her church, I could have written these same words, “He created a culture where criticism, evaluation, and even humiliation were normalized and even reframed as love. I shrunk back to protect myself. I did not want confrontations and meetings held about me. I did not want to make a mistake and get my husband fired. I was outgoing and friendly, but I stopped sharing my deeper self. I conformed myself to fit into the quietest, smallest shell possible. And the shell came to feel almost normal. But not really. I was always working to stay small.”

It’s been over ten years since I left the toxic institution that held such sway in my life. It’s been ten years of healing and learning discernment, healthy spirituality, setting boundaries and forgiveness.

I was talking to a friend this morning about healing and learning. It is a life long process. Older people are just as vulnerable as younger people when it comes to giving away their power to other people. Age is not a factor. You can easily second guess yourself at any stage of life. Anytime you feel like your inclusion in a group or relationship will be threated if you speak up or disagree, step back. Think about what is happening. Talk to someone you trust outside the situation. Trust yourself.

These days, I’m sailing along just fine. I understand that given the context and culture of the church I was involved in, it was impossible for anyone to ‘get me.’ I had stopped showing up as the real me years earlier. Now, when I feel pressured to go along with anything just to be liked I listen to that voice inside me. I can trust her.

I’ve embraced disappointing more people so I can spend time with the people who love me and ‘get me.’