I have been away for four weeks this summer. In July, I spent two weeks at a cottage with my daughter, her family, and several other families who have vacationed at this location for over 30 years together. It is my fourth year. In total, 42 people showed up - some just for a few days and some for the entire time. Half of those people were under 25. It was a packed beach in the afternoons!
It's been a month since my last newsletter, and I have missed connecting here. It feels good to be tweaking words again. I'm grateful for the time away and happy to be home.
I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness. (Just in case you thought my vacation was only eating ice cream and lazing in the shade with a book!) I revisited an old wound recently. You can't avoid your life no matter where you go—even the cottage.
I was sitting on the beach enjoying a book when I looked up and saw a woman walking towards me that I had not seen in over ten years. I didn't have good memories of the last time I saw her, and I thought I had forgiven her for hurting me. Our brief, superficial conversation set me back so much that I had to spend the better part of the day processing it. I was surprised at my intense reaction.
My monthly discussion group focuses on consciously ageing and doing the spiritual work to become spiritual elders. It is deep work and rich conversation. This month we discussed the role forgiveness play in our lives. We decided that we need to continue the discussion next month. There is much to explore, and we all have stories about hurt and forgiveness.
This week I also focused on forgiveness in my course to become a Certified Sage-ing Leader. My work in this course and the tools I am being introduced to help heal the past and prepare those of us in this third act of life to become elders in our communities.
Zalman Schachter-Shalomi writes, "In elderhood, each of us needs to reinterpret the facts of our lives from the vantage point of wisdom and understanding."
Something that has helped me is the idea that you can't fully forgive someone without taking responsibility for your role in the situation. Read that again. We have responsibility for our role in any situation or system in which we participate.
I was mulling over this idea on my walk this morning. I was thinking about how I am both angry with oil companies for the crazy profits they made in the last quarter AND wanting to see my retirement investments increase. On the one hand, I am fully participating in a system that is driven by profit and, on the other hand, lamenting about price increases. I can't have it both ways. It is the same with relationships.
In the situation with the woman I ran into, I played a big part in how I was treated. As an unrecovered people-pleaser, I had been so busy trying to be what everyone needed and wanted me to be that I didn't show up as myself. I allowed people to treat me poorly without standing up for myself. The result was that I ended up hurt and resentful. She was probably completely unaware of how much pain she caused me.
Processing the situation from this vantage point allowed me to take responsibility for my part in what happened. Does that excuse the woman's behaviour? Not at all. It does help me to move past feeling like a victim.
I also reminded myself that she has no power over me any longer. I'm no longer the pastor's wife who has to endure the criticism and expectations of people to protect my husband's career. (Hallelujah!) I can be grateful for how that painful situation ultimately brought me more awareness and freedom in my life.
I'm not about to invite her out for coffee, but I think that brief encounter with her helped me move deeper in forgiveness. I do feel much lighter and more grateful after spending time going deeper in exploring my reaction to someone from over a decade ago.
As we move through life, we can continue to move towards living authentically. Taking time to work through the grudges, hurts and traumas of our lives can help us heal.
Is there someone you struggle to forgive? Reach out, and we can talk about how I can support you. And if you are in Ontario, check out the retreat below. I am doing a workshop on forgiveness. The entire retreat will be a great way to ease into autumn in a beautiful setting.
Comments