When my children were growing up we taught them a little formula to use when they hurt someone (usually each other.) It was: I’m sorry for _______. Will you forgive me? It seemed reasonable. We hoped it would instill a little humility and some ownership for how they hurt the other person. Of course, it didn’t always have the results we expected. It’s amazing how you can say the right words with the wrong voice. You can say, I’m sorry and not mean it. We’ve all done it. I’m Canadian, we apologize habitually.
This week the topic of forgiveness has come up for me in three different conversations. Many of us struggle in this area.
I’ve been exploring forgiveness in my life. I consider myself to be someone who finds it easy to forgive. Most of the time. I have realized that although I am quick to forgive (or should I say quick to take responsibility when things go wrong), I often deal with anger and resentment later. Much later.
On Monday, I was reading a passage I had underlined in Forgiveness: An Exploration by Marina Cantacuzino. There was a synchronicity in what I read and a conversation a few hours later surfaced this facet of forgiveness that I hadn’t thought much about.
Cantacuzino writes, “I once witnessed a victim empathy course in an American prison where the prisoners were writing letters to their victims asking for their forgiveness. The letters were an exercise in empathy and were not intended to be delivered to the recipient, but it struck me as the wrong emphasis. Should not the letter rather have been about saying sorry, taking responsibility and expressing a vow to make amends? As Alistair Little has said, asking for forgiveness just places yet another burden on the victim.”
I never thought of asking for forgiveness as putting another burden on the victim. But I have felt it in my body when years after someone hurt me I received a letter from them asking me to forgive them. I recall feeling annoyed and agitated that they had once again intruded into my life with a request that would only serve one purpose at that point - to make them feel better.
Forgiveness work is tricky. I led a workshop on it a few years ago. I don’t think you can workshop forgiveness but I think we can explore our hurts and look for ways forward. My Rooted Women discussion group has been doing that this summer. We decided before we start another book we would do a deep dive into the topic of forgiveness. We thought one night would do it but we realized that we were just scratching the surface and needed more time. We’ve been sharing articles and insights back and forth for the past few months. This week we wrapped up the conversation for now with a second discussion.
Someone in my A Year to Live group asked this week if we would be talking about forgiveness. It’s a big part of the conversation when it comes to conscious aging work and life repair. Why wait to rest in peace if it is possible to have some now?
I have an idea I’m considering. I know how much I have grown as I’ve explored difficult topics in safe spaces. In November, I would like to host the first conversation in a series tentatively called Starting Point: Conversations on Difficult Topics. I haven’t put anything on my website yet but if this interests you I would love to hear from you.
I don’t expect to give you three easy steps to forgive anyone. Instead, we’ll talk about what it means to forgive - yourself and others. Forgiveness is a difficult topic and I think it’s time we explored it further. It will be worthwhile if it helps you find healing in a way that feels true for you.
And maybe hold off asking for forgiveness until then.
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